When You’re Everything to Everyone: How Overcommitment Drains Us and What to Do Instead
Overcommitment isn’t just a time issue — it’s a self-trust and worthiness issue. In this episode, I share how women, especially in midlife, find themselves stretched thin trying to be everything to everyone… and end up feeling invisible.
We’ll talk about:
- The sneaky ways we abandon ourselves in the name of being "helpful"
- Why dropping a commitment isn’t failure, it's listening to your inner guidance of what's really right for you
- How Human Design helps us know what to hold and what to release
- And a practice that became a non-negotiable for me
If you’re putting on everyone else’s oxygen mask first. This is your reminder to come back to yourself.
→ Book your free Life & Energy Audit
→ Follow + review the show if this resonated!
Transcript
Welcome to the Unfolding Podcast.
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:I am Erica Voell.
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:I am a Decision Mentor
and Inner-Trust Guide.
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:And I work with women mainly those in
midlife, trust their inner guidance,
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:understand their unique strengths, and
stop saying yes to what drains them.
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:Using Human Design, coaching
and Reiki, we clear the noise.
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:So their no feels powerful
and their yes, feels true.
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:That yes and that no come up
all the time with my clients.
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:It comes up related to
overcommitment and this pressure
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:to be all things to all people.
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:One of my clients sent me
this message and I thought it
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:perfectly summed everything up.
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:I'm ironically unavailable to
everyone because I'm trying
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:to be available to everyone.
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:When she sent that, that really hit
me hard, and I talked about this in
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:a recent episode about how women,
especially in midlife, we're taught
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:that we should be available to everyone,
and this makes us the good one.
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:This is what we're supposed to
do, but here is the reality.
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:How often when you fly, you are told
to put on your own oxygen mask first.
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:It is every single time, but how often
in everyday life are you actually doing
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:that, putting on your own mask first?
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:I'm sure if you're like
me, it's not often enough.
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:Because we're taught, especially as
women, to be self-sacrificing, even
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:if it means being over committed,
to be the helper, to be the one who
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:says yes, to be the one who bakes the
cookies for the school fundraiser,
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:even when you are so exhausted.
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:Or the one who volunteers to drive or
host or organize or plan so that we can
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:be seen as the good and reliable one.
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:And deep down
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:resentment is really starting to build.
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:And eventually the people around
us, our kids, our partners, our
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:coworkers, they start to expect it.
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:And they expect us to drop
everything for their needs.
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:And then that becomes the norm and we
feel exhausted, maybe even invisible.
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:And we start to believe that our
own needs come last or worse, that
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:our own needs don't even matter.
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:If you have a five in your profile
that's going is going to feel
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:really familiar because people
see you as that problem solver.
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:They can see, they think that
you can come save their day.
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:So let me ask you something.
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:What are you committed to right now?
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:Don't overthink it.
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:What comes to your mind first?
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:Is it your family, your work, a
friendship, a routine, or is it
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:this list of shoulds that you
have or this long list of to-dos?
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:A list of what you said yes
to out of pressure, and not
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:because it brought you joy.
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:We make commitments all the
time, and as if you're a parent,
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:you know exactly what I mean.
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:But are we including ourselves
in those commitments?
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:I have been doing breath
work every week lately.
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:It started out as a way to deal with
some frustration that was coming up.
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:But it was something I
couldn't get outta my system.
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:I was trying to walk or
exercise and meditation.
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:Didn't even feel like it was
enough movement to release it.
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:So it was something I used to do
about once a month when I was in the
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:mood, and after each session I would
feel lighter and clearer and like
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:I could actually hear myself again.
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:But this commitment has
been next level changing.
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:I did one session and I felt so.
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:Clear.
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:I felt like I had just gotten all
the gunk out, and then I told myself
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:I was gonna commit to three weeks.
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:And then I was talking to a coach that
I'm working with for a retreat and
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:she challenged me to commit to six.
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:So now I have done six and
it's become a weekly thing.
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:I look forward to it.
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:Even if that day I'm like,
oh, I don't wanna do this.
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:But I feel such a shift in my energy
this six weeks in, and I've noticed
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:it's not just that shift in my energy,
it's like my frequency is changing.
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:And my ability to focus.
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:Every session something new comes through.
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:Like my "expectations build a
wall" podcast episode that came
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:through a breath work session.
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:And this last one was, I am committed.
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:I found myself saying it out loud.
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:I am committed to me.
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:I'm committed to my work.
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:I'm committed to this.
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:I don't know what this is, but this.
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:And it got me thinking, what
am I really committing to?
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:Because right now I'm committing
to the work that feels really
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:stretchy, but also meaningful.
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:And I'm committing to putting myself
out there in ways that feel like I'm
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:gonna walk off the edge of a cliff.
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:And I'm also committing to
noticing what I'm saying yes to.
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:Am I seeing yes, out of
pressure or obligation?
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:Doing breath work has become a new kind
of commitment, and even in these weeks
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:there I'm like, I don't wanna do this.
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:I still get out my mat, I still turn
on the video, I pull up the blanket
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:and I'm like, I'm going to do this.
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:And I'm so grateful afterwards that I
have followed through on my commitment
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:and it's become not just another
thing to check off my calendar.
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:It is become a commitment to myself
and for so many women I work with.
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:That's exactly what's happening.
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:They've committed to everything else,
and they've not committed to themselves.
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:They think that they're on their
list, but when we start to dig in.
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:We find that they're not.
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:And what comes up a lot of times
is then they're like, oh, I'm
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:not good at starting things.
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:I do this, or I committed to that.
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:And then they start things
and they don't finish them.
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:And they'll tell me, I'm great at starting
things, but I never finished them.
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:Or, I'm terrible at following through.
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:But here's the thing, it's not
that they're bad at finishing.
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:They actually are over-committed
because we often start things and
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:later something doesn't feel aligned.
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:And so we step out of it and instead
of listening to that nudge, we
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:start to push through out of guilt.
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:And we feel even worse because
we think, oh, I gave up.
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:I failed.
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:I stopped.
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:And for some of us, us.
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:Especially if you're a manifester
in Human Design, you are literally
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:meant to initiate things, to get
something started and then to move on
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:when something's not feeling right.
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:To pass it off to someone
else, to delegate and simply
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:letting go of something because
it's no longer right for you.
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:That's not a failure.
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:That's really coming back into alignment
and feeling good about you because we
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:all have things that , we've committed
to, that necessarily aren't right for us.
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:One of the biggest things I
work with clients on is tuning
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:back into their inner authority.
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:This decision making part
of your Human Design that.
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:It helps you know what's right for
you, what the right opportunities are,
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:and , some people feel it in their gut.
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:Some people need to sleep on it,
some people need to talk it out.
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:When you can trust that, it really
gives you permission to drop
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:things that don't feel aligned,
and that guilt then starts to ease.
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:There's an analogy that I heard one
time that I really love and I think
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:it's helpful to think about this.
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:Think of everything you're juggling right
now, like as a bunch of balls in the air.
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:Some of those balls are glass,
they're fragile, they're
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:meaningful, they're essential.
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:Some are plastic.
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:They might bounce.
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:If you drop them, they might crack.
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:It's okay.
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:But glass balls might be your
health and your close relationships,
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:or even your core values.
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:And the plastic balls may be that
committee that you agreed to join but
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:you really wish you had said no to, or
that side project that you felt excited
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:about, but now feels like a burden.
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:We all have glass and plastic balls.
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:There's no one size fits all.
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:We don't all have glass and we
don't all have just plastic.
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:But when you are feeling overwhelmed,
it's very helpful to ask yourself, which
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:ones are glass and which ones are plastic?
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:And are there some that you can just
gently take down or even let them fall?
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:And it's if something is glass.
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:It doesn't mean that you
have to let it shatter.
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:It can be something that you're like,
oh, I'm taking this down right now.
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:This needs to be gently set down.
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:Because then if we take it down
intentionally and set it aside
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:lovingly, then it doesn't feel so tight
and grasping and like, oh my gosh,
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:I have all these balls in the air.
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:And what I've come to realize is
that for so many of us, we are
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:committed to everything else and
everyone else except ourselves.
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:And we, instead of being willing to let
those balls fall, we start to put our
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:own needs at the bottom of the list.
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:And we say things like, "I'll,
rest when the project is done."
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:Or "I will book that massage after the
kids go back to school or after the
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:sports team season," or "I'll invest that
in that class that I really wanna take
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:once things slow down."
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:Really do things ever really slow
down in this world right now.
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:But in the meantime, we start
to feel more and more and more
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:disconnected from ourselves.
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:And my starting this breath work session
was because I was feeling so scattered.
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:I had so many balls in the air
and I was like stuck in this.
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:I should do this, I should
do this, I should do this.
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:And.
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:It's now become a non-negotiable
for me, it's no longer something
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:that I do as a self-care.
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:It's something that I need
to do for myself, and it's a
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:commitment I have made to myself.
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:It's also a way of saying that I matter.
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:It's giving myself that message.
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:And what I see so often with clients is
that they've got so many balls in the
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:air and they've committed to things.
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:Not because they're bad at boundaries.
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:They are overcommitted because
somewhere deep down, they believe if
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:I say no, they won't see me as enough.
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:Or if I do all the things,
I'll let people down.
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:Or if I rest, I'm being lazy.
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:That is a big one.
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:Or if I choose myself, I'm being selfish.
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:They'll see me as selfish.
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:Does that sound familiar?
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:This is not a time management issue.
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:This is a worthiness issue.
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:It's a self-trust issue, as I've talked
about in the last several episodes.
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:This is, who am I without
all-these-roles issue.
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:The good mom, the good wife, the
good coworker, the good employee.
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:So I want you to pause and ask
yourself, what would it look like
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:to recommit to yourself, to your
energy, to your needs, to your joy?
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:And oh my gosh, to your breath.
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:I'm not saying that you need to abandon
your family or quit your job or fly off
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:to an exotic location to find yourself.
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:I'm saying like put yourself
back in the equation.
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:'cause you really matter too.
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:If you are not putting that oxygen
mask on first, you're going to get to
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:a point where you have no breath left.
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:And if this speaks to you, I
want to end with a gentle place.
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:Where are you putting everyone else's
oxygen mask on first, and what would
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:it feel like to put your own on first?
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:Just think about it just for a day.
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:What is something that you can do
to put that oxygen mask on first?
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:You are going to bring yourself back
to a rhythm when you put that oxygen
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:mask on first, and that will bring
you back into alignment and that will
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:give you some fresh oxygen so that
then you can come back to yourself.
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:This week, I'm really committing
to choosing myself quietly and
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:intentionally without feeling guilty.
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:I have not felt well this week, and so
I've really spent time in bed and it
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:is really roiled up that I'm being lazy
or I should be doing this, but I, I
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:have said I'm going to just lay in bed.
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:It's uncomfortable.
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:It's hard.
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:And it's feeling really like
an edge, but I know that it's
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:what I needed to do for myself.
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:So if you're nodding along and
thinking, oh yes, that is me.
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:I would love to support you.
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:I would love you to book a free Life
& Energy Audit with me, and we'll talk
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:about what is draining you, what you
actually want, and how your Human Design
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:can bring you back to what matters most.
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:The link is in the show notes, and if this
episode resonated with you, I would be
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:so grateful if you would follow the show.
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:Leave a quick review or share it
with someone who needs to hear it.
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:Be well, and I will talk to you soon
