Why Fitting In Isn’t Belonging
Book your Life Patterns Review here.
In this episode, I reflect on a version of myself that has been coming up lately – my 13-year-old self. The girl who felt awkward, different, and like she didn’t belong anywhere. I share how those early experiences of trying to fit in shaped years of people-pleasing, following the “should” path, and choosing careers and expectations that never quite felt right.
Many women in midlife still carry the patterns they developed when they were young – the ones that kept the peace, made others comfortable, or tried to prove their worth. This episode explores the difference between fitting in and truly belonging, and why noticing these patterns is the first step to changing them.
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Transcript
Welcome to the Unfolding Podcast, a space where we explore what
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:it looks like to really trust yourself,
say no without guilt, and live your
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:life like it actually belongs to you.
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:I am Erica Voell.
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:I'm a Decision Mentor and Inner-Trust
Guide, and I help women in midlife trust
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:how they are uniquely designed to make
decisions, reclaim their authority,
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:and understand their unique strengths.
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:Using human design as a lens, we clear the
noise of conditioning so their no feels
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:powerful and their yes feels true, and
they can move forward without self-doubt.
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:Guilt or pressure to prove anything On
this show, we have honest conversations
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:about self-trust, boundaries, energy
and identity, especially for women
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:in midlife who are done living by the
shoulds and second guessing themselves.
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:If you have taken every personality test,
followed the recommended path, and still
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:can't shake the feeling that you've been
spending your whole life trying to fit in
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:when what you really wanted was to belong.
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:You are in the right place.
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:You'll hear stories, insights,
and tools rooted in human
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:design, coaching, and real life.
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:Not to tell you what to do, like
another self-help book, but to help you
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:really hear yourself so you can stop
overthinking and start making decisions
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:that feel grounded, clear, and true.
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:There is a saying that there are
two people you need to impress your
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:8-year-old self and your 80-year-old self.
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:And while I find that really
powerful and a good reminder, the
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:self that's been coming up for
me lately is my 13-year-old self.
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:The one who felt like she
didn't belong anywhere.
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:The one who felt like the most awkward
person on the planet, the one who didn't
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:feel like she fit into her family because
she didn't want to wear the clothes.
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:Her mom picked out for her.
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:She felt awkward with a perm that never
looked quite as good as the popular girls.
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:I mean, this was 1987, so
the perms were all the thing.
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:I have a few photos on my desktop that
I scanned for an Instagram post about
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:a year ago, and I left them there as a
reminder that I don't need to impress her.
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:I don't need to impress
my 13-year-old self.
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:That as awkward as she felt there
is, and was nothing wrong with her.
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:She was unique and I really
want to give her a hug.
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:To tell her that all the time, and
the worry of trying to fit in will
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:never help her feel like she belongs,
that the friends that turned on her
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:were never her right friends anyway.
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:If I could save her from
all the friend heartbreak.
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:Maybe this part of me has resurfaced
in the last few years because I
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:have a daughter who's going to be
entering middle school next year.
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:She's 12 right now.
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:I feel my job as a mom is to make
sure and to reassure her that
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:she's perfect exactly as she is.
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:She doesn't need to gain
weight or lose weight.
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:She doesn't need to wear certain clothes.
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:She doesn't need to suck in her stomach.
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:She doesn't need to stand up straighter.
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:She doesn't need to shapeshift
herself into a more acceptable
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:way for other people.
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:Now, would I like a meal where we don't
have to tell her to push her hair behind
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:her ears so it doesn't get in her food?
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:Yes.
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:But my job as a mom is to help her see
that she doesn't have to be a certain
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:way, that she's not to feel worthy.
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:My job as a decision mentor and inner
trust guide is to help other women,
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:especially those in midlife who have
always felt like the black sheep in
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:their family, or that there's something
wrong with them, or that they've compared
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:themselves to others their entire lives
to help them see that they are unique.
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:There is nothing wrong with them.
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:Maybe the reason that they have felt like
the black sheep and that they followed
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:the should path was because their gifts
have not been recognized and they haven't
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:been made to feel that they have value.
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:It's really feeling like it's becoming a
mission of mine after seeing this pattern
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:emerge during a panel with former clients.
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:I didn't realize this until we were on
the panel, how much they too felt like
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:they had been the black sheep in their
families, but it probably explains why
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:we worked so well together and why I
love them so dearly because I've spent
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:so much of my life trying to fit in.
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:I never felt like I belonged.
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:There's a difference between fitting
in and belonging, and Brene Brown
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:explains this so beautifully.
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:Fitting in is where you try to shape,
shift yourself into fit into a box
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:that maybe isn't the right box for you.
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:Whereas when you belong, you can be
whatever shape you want, whatever
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:size you want, and be there.
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:You feel this calm, you can be your
full self and no one is judging you
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:because when you never
feel like you belong.
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:It is such an awful feeling.
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:And it started early in my life.
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:I took not fitting in as a re reason
that I was not worthy of love.
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:I had cute outfits with matching tops
and pants or shorts and separate clothes
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:for school and separate play clothes.
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:I had the haircut that my mom
thought looked cute on me.
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:I got the perm.
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:I got the blonde highlights.
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:Like I said earlier, it was the
mid eighties, but one experience in
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:ninth grade shifted something for me.
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:It was the summer after freshman
year, and I could ride my bike to
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:the salon where I got my hair cut.
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:My mom handed me the usual blank check
to get the usual blonde highlights.
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:But instead of the expected highlights,
I came home with deep red hair.
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:There were no highlights.
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:It was full on color and I loved it.
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:I got compliments at the
salon from so many people.
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:And I rode my bike home and
my great-grandmother who lived
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:with us told me she loved it.
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:She was 91 years old and she said
she had always wanted red hair.
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:I felt so fantastic.
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:And then my mom came home from work.
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:It was the first time I remember
being so aware of how concerned she
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:was with what others would think of
me and how it might reflect on her.
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:She owned her own public relations firm.
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:And I didn't have a lot of friends
whose moms worked outside the home and
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:it made me realize that she saw how put
together we were, were reflections on her.
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:And in some roundabout way on her
business, this was not the first time
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:she'd commented on my appearance.
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:That's just part of my growing
up, suggesting that I stand up
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:straighter or suck in my stomach.
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:It was something that I not only
heard from my mom, but I heard
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:from my grandmother regularly,
but this time felt different.
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:It was also the beginning of the stage
in my life where I gave up on trying
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:to be liked by the popular kids.
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:Outside I would appear fine about being
the weird kid, but inside I was crying.
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:I would cry at home a lot.
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:I just wanted to feel like I fit in.
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:I wanted to belong somewhere.
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:I kept telling myself I would find
my people in college, and I did to
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:a certain extent, but college came
with a new set of expectations.
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:There was an immense pressure
to choose an acceptable career.
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:It felt like the height
of those expectations.
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:Get into a respectable field, land a good
job, make everyone in my family proud.
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:I was the fourth generation to go to
the University of Kansas, but college
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:was the real beginning of my should
journey, what I should do as a major,
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:what career path I should take.
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:Freshman year, I chose journalism and
listened to a comment from an English
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:TA that made me change my major.
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:I decided to do social work because
my mom's friend liked her job,
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:and if she liked it, then I should
like it because I really liked her.
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:But this continued years of people
pleasing trying to fit into boxes
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:and jobs that never quite fit.
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:It was exhausting.
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:And at some point in my thirties, I
sort of stopped caring, but deep down
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:I longed for a friend group and a
workplace where I felt like I belonged.
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:It wasn't until I started to hit
that stage of perimenopause where
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:I started to let some of that
living by other expectations go
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:where I was like, I don't care.
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:But really even then, a lot of
the same patterns continued and it
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:really got me nowhere but burnout.
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:It wasn't until I discovered human
design and that I'm designed a
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:specific way with unique gifts, that
I could start to release some of
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:those expectations from other people.
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:I wonder how many opportunities
did I pass up because I was more
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:focused on what others would think
rather than what truly lit me up.
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:How often did I hold back out of
fear of judgment or disappointing my
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:parents, or even worse, my grandparents.
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:Think back to your 13-year-old self.
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:Did they feel awkward?
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:Did they have a fantastic
hairstyle that fit the era?
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:Or did you spend a ton
of time trying to fit in?
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:What message do you have
for your 13-year-old self?
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:If you could give them a hug and
reassure them, what would it be?
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:What do you want them to know?
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:One of my messages to my 13-year-old
self is that she is worthy and
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:does not have to prove herself.
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:It is one of my greatest life lessons
and it shows up in my human design
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:chart so clearly, and I, once I
read that, I really, truly cried.
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:I had never been told I didn't need to
prove my worth, not in those exact words.
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:It took a report from someone that
I didn't know from me to understand.
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:That my husband had tried to tell
me that in certain ways, but I never
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:really felt it deep within myself.
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:And I really needed to
actually believe it.
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:I know that it will be a lifelong
struggle, but when I have a rough
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:day where I feel like I've tied
my productivity to my worth, I can
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:come back to the words that I am
worthy no matter what I did today.
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:I am worthy because I exist.
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:We often notice the patterns that
we've developed in elementary school
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:between eight and 12 as we look back on
ourselves, like when we were trying to
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:be liked by our teachers or we took care
of our younger siblings and being the
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:upstanding kid who made the parents proud.
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:Or maybe you felt like you were constantly
disappointing your parents, even if
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:they bragged about you in front of
other adults, which I find is so weird.
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:Those patterns, they carried us
through our teens and our twenties.
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:They evolved in our thirties and
our forties, and somewhere around
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:our early forties, that midlife
crisis or that midlife calling.
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:We start to see that these patterns
become heavy, even if we can't see
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:them ourselves, but we feel them.
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:And by our fifties, we are really
starting to try to untangle them
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:to consciously work, to let some of
them go, to shift those patterns, the
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:untying of the knots that feel like they
are ready to go, to allow us to stop
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:giving a crap about what others think.
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:But when we're stressed or sick,
or at a family gathering or we
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:get a text from a family member.
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:What happens a lot of times is those
old patterns will reignite and we think,
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:haven't I already worked through this?
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:It's completely normal, but each time it
gets reignited, that fire of fury burns a
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:little less a and for a little less time.
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:Those stories carry a little less weight
and have a little less grasp on us.
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:So find a photo of yourself at 12
or 13, and I want you to look in
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:your eyes, send them some love, and
tell them it's okay to be different.
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:It's okay to be themselves and
that they have value for existing.
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:And then turn around and tell
yourself the exact same thing.
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:You have value and you are
worthy for existing in this day.
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:So that's our episode for today.
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:When you're ready to look at your
patterns, I would love to invite
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:you to a Life Patterns Review.
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:We look at patterns you've developed
through all the areas of your life,
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:the ones you've developed to keep the
peace and the ones you've developed
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:that kept you running on autopilot.
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:The ones that kept you over giving and
saying yes when you really meant no.
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:Trying to be the version of you
that makes everyone else comfortable
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:and who you think you should be.
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:In the Life Patterns Review, we
look at it all together, the roles
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:you've picked up, the patterns you've
repeated so often that you've stopped
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:noticing them, and we start to untangle
what's actually yours and what you've
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:inherited or picked up along the way.
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:So I hope you have a great day.
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:Be well, and I'll talk to you next time.
