Shame and Self-Love
It's rarely one moment. It's a hundred small ones, each time you didn't measure up to an expectation you thought someone had of you, until that becomes the story you tell about yourself.
In this episode, Erica explores how shame quietly shapes our inner critic, how it fuels perfectionism, and how it keeps us small. She weaves together Brené Brown's research with the real stories of women in the Summer of Self-Love series, including a romance novelist whose creativity was crushed by one negative review, a woman whose inner critic nitpicked every meeting and every mirror, and a woman who played small for years rather than risk being seen failing.
This is part of the ongoing Summer of Self-Love series exploring women's complicated relationships with self-love and self-criticism through the lens of Human Design.
Read the Substack article here: Shame and Self-Love
Book your Life Patterns Review here.
Follow me on Substack: https://substack.com/@ericavoell
Connect with me: erica[at]ericavoell[dot]com
Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ericavoell.coaching/
Transcript
Welcome to the Unfolding podcast, a space where we explore what
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:it looks like to really trust yourself,
say no without guilt, and live your
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:life like it actually belongs to you.
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:I am Erica Voell, a decision mentor
and inner trust guide, and I help
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:women in midlife untangle from the life
patterns of shape-shifting and keeping
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:everyone else happy, claim how they are
uniquely designed to make decisions,
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:and understand their unique strengths.
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:Using human design as a lens, we clear the
noise of conditioning so their no feels
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:powerful and their yes feels true, and
they can move forward without self-doubt,
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:guilt, or the pressure to prove anything.
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:On this show, we have honest conversations
about self-trust, boundaries, energy,
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:and identity, especially for women
in midlife who are done living by the
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:shoulds and second-guessing themselves.
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:If you've taken every personality test,
followed the recommended path, and still
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:can't shake that feeling that you've
been spending your whole life trying to
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:fit in when what you really wanted was
to belong, you're in the right place.
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:You'll hear stories, insights,
and tools rooted in human
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:design, coaching, and real life.
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:Not to tell you what to do like
another self-help book, but to help you
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:really hear yourself so you can stop
overthinking and start making decisions
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:that feel grounded, clear, and true.
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:This episode is about shame,
and I have been a fan of
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:Brené Brown's for a long time.
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:And I picked up one of her books at
the suggestion of a class that I was
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:taking on organizing and planning,
but it became so much more than that.
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:The class and her books opened
me up to an area that I didn't
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:quite know existed within myself.
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:That class first introduced me to
the concept that I am whole and
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:unbroken, and that was something
that was exactly the opposite of
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:what I was feeling at the time.
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:I felt anything but whole
and unbroken, and I remember
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:thinking, "How is that possible?
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:Do they really not know who I am?"
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:It took me six years to actually start to
believe it for myself, and human design
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:played a huge role in it Recently, I was
listening to Brené Brown and Adam Grant's
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:podcast called The Curiosity Shop, and
they were talking about shame and guilt,
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:and some people that Brené has worked
with are so-- have-- shame is such a
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:triggering word for them that they call it
shamé, which just always makes me laugh.
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:Brené defines shame as an emotion that we
all feel, and it's different from guilt.
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:Shame is I am bad, and guilt
is I did something bad.
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:She used two examples in the podcast
that if you got a D on an exam,
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:shame is I am a terrible student
because I got a D, and I'm stupid.
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:Whereas guilt is I got a D on the
exam because I didn't study enough.
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:Shame focuses on the person
and labels them bad, and
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:guilt focuses on the behavior.
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:She says in her book, Atlas of the Heart,
that we end up feeling flawed and unworthy
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:of love, belonging, and connection.
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:"Shame is not a positive
driver for change," she says.
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:With guilt, we focus on the behavior.
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:She describes guilt as the discomfort
we feel when we evaluate what we have
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:done or failed to do against our values.
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:It can drive positive change and behavior.
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:But shame thrives on secrecy,
silence, and judgment.
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:It's a social emotion.
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:She says shame happens between
people, and it heals people, and where
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:perfectionism exists, shame is lurking.
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:Perfectionism isn't
about us being our best.
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:It's actually an externally driven
by this all-consuming question
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:of what will others think.
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:Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes
and failures are personal defects.
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:She describes perfectionism as
self-destructive and an addictive belief
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:system that fuels this primary thought:
If I look perfect, live perfectly, work
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:perfectly, and do everything perfectly,
I can avoid or minimize painful
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:feelings of shame, judgment, or blame.
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:And when we're feeling shame, we
often slide into people-pleasing mode.
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:I remember when I first learned the
distinction between shame and guilt, and
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:I remember thinking, "I don't do guilt.
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:I do shame," because I felt
so unlovable and un- unworthy.
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:I didn't realize how much
shame I was carrying.
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:At that time, I was working for
a verbally abusive manager, and I
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:thought "If I was a worthy human
being, would I be treated this way?"
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:And what I found myself doing was slipping
into more perfectionist tendencies at that
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:time more than any other time in my life.
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:I was so embarrassed about that situation
that I didn't want people to know that
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:I was allowing myself to be treated that
way, and yet I still needed a paycheck.
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:I also blamed the manager for it.
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:My husband heard every day about
the abuse and the put-downs, but
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:my daughter was in preschool, and I
had no idea where else I could work.
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:The library world in Kansas
City is a pretty small world.
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:I'll never forget when I broke down
in front of my parents admitting how
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:hard it was, but I was so far into
self-shaming, and it had been for years,
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:that I started to not see my own worth.
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:As kids, we start to move
into this self-shaming early.
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:A comment from a parent or a family
member makes us think, "if I could
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:just do better, I'll be more loved."
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:It shows up in how
we're corrected as kids.
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:As an example, like when we were
teenagers, think about what happened
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:when you were out past curfew.
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:Your parents might have said one of two
things: "You are such a disappointment.
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:How could you disappoint us?"
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:Or, "I am so disappointed
in your behavior tonight."
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:The first is shame, and that gets
internalized as I'm a disappointment.
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:The second one is guilt, and that
gets internalized as I did something
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:stupid and I'm not gonna do it again.
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:And guilt is about behavior, and
shame can take on our identity.
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:And what's fascinating about
Brené's work and the research
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:she points to is that shame does
not change behavior, guilt does.
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:They live actually in two
different parts of our brain.
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:And when you see the shape of
shame, you start to notice how
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:easily it takes over even when
there isn't evidence to support it.
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:A comment from a family member about our
weight can go from, "You look like you've
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:lost weight," to, "My body is not good
enough and my body isn't worthy of love."
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:And we can torture ourselves trying
to earn that worthiness back.
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:We feel if we try hard enough and
torture ourselves enough that we can
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:earn someone else's love, and then when
we're rejected, we feel like we're a bad
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:person, not like somebody who just simply
didn't fit in in that particular case.
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:I myself have earned a
PhD in self-criticism.
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:If there was a part of my body
to nitpick, I would find it.
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:My inner voice was so mean and
always had something to say.
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:Even when I felt beautiful,
she would find a flaw.
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:That one of the happiest days
of my life was my wedding day.
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:We got our photos back.
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:I know I looked beautiful, but when
I saw those photos, the first thing
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:in my mind was, "What if people
think I looked fat in my dress?"
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:I know I'm not alone in this.
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:When I asked the women who I
interviewed for this series about
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:their own inner critics, that same
pattern showed up again and again.
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:One piece of evidence
outweighing everything else.
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:We can receive all the wonderful
compliments in the world, and yet
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:one, one negative comment will show
up, and that is what we cling to.
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:I know you've had this experience.
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:Helena Marchetti describes her
experience when she started writing
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:romance novels in her mid-30s.
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:She felt like her writing wasn't strong
enough, and one day she made the mistake
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:of reading the reviews on Goodreads.
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:She said, "Even though they were
overwhelmingly positive, there was one
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:negative one that felt like a gut punch.
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:To this day, this one review has
the power to crush my creativity.
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:That single review gave validity
to the thoughts in my head.
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:'See?
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:You shouldn't waste your time.
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:No one wants to read your books.'"
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:That is shame logic to a T.
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:One negative review becomes that
whole story of our experience,
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:and sometimes shame doesn't wait
for someone else to say something.
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:It starts with our own inner critic
that at first may appear to be helpful,
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:which is driving us to achieve,
while also in the background it's
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:like a monster lurking in the corner
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:Therese Holden describes
this so beautifully.
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:She describes that it was
harsh and scathing and
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:questioning everything she did.
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:It would nitpick at what
she'd said in meetings.
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:She said, "I would look at my
reflection in the mirror in the
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:lift, and she would tell me how
frumpy I looked, how fat I was.
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:Why would anyone take you seriously?
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:I remember sitting in the toilets at
work crying because I felt so lonely.
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:I didn't have a good relationship with
myself at all, and it was exhausting,
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:all the comparison and criticism."
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:End quote.
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:I have an area in my human design
chart that carries the challenge of
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:noticing what's wrong or what can be
improved in situations or systems.
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:My husband also carries this.
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:But without an outlet, that challenge can
turn inward from, "I notice what's wrong
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:with this system or what won't work," to
that, "There is something wrong with me."
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:And I became a master at
turning it in on myself.
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:When I would be at a job and I would
share where things could be improved,
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:I was told that we would not be trying
that and to just do my job, and what
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:had happened is I turned it into
ways that I was a flawed human being.
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:In human design, I have identified
fifteen gates within the body graph
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:that are related to, to self-love.
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:And I wanna mention that these are
my own interpretations of human
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:design through this lens of self-love
and self-talk and inner trust.
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:Traditional human design does not
identify a specific set of self-love
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:gates, except for gate ten, which
is actually the gate of self-love.
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:But as I've dug deeper into this summer
of self-love, I've noticed that there are
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:certain gates that seem to speak directly
to the way we relate to ourselves, our
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:inner dialogue, our self-acceptance,
self-trust, and self-worth.
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:So this framework is my own,
but it's inspired by human
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:design, and it's not part of the
traditional human design teachings.
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:In a few of the gates related to
self-love, the challenges in these
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:gates can turn into shame identities.
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:And I'm gonna mention the numbers
for those of you that know human
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:design, but for those of you who
don't know human design and aren't
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:really, like, enmeshed in it, just
don't pay attention to the numbers.
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:Just listen to what the challenge is
versus the identity that comes up.
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:So for Gate 48, the challenge is, is I
don't know enough, but the shame identity
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:is that I am not enough or that I am dumb.
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:Gate 46, the challenge is that I
criticize my body, but the identity
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:becomes that my body is a problem.
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:For Gate 22, the challenge is I feel
deeply, but that shame identity is that my
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:emotions are too much, and I am difficult.
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:For Gate 15, the challenge is
that I am different, but the shame
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:identity becomes I don't belong.
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:And for Csilla Gergely, she describes
the meeting of perfectionism and
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:shame identities showing up in real
time without needing to, to know
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:anything about her Human Design chart.
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:She said, "I thought I wasn't
anything special, that I was
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:average, that I was like everybody
else, and I wanted to be special.
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:For a long time, I thought that what
I had to say was not interesting.
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:I always had excellent grades
in school, and I thought I had
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:to be the best to be loved.
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:Then I became an adult.
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:This turned into thinking that I had to
be the best in all my roles, the best
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:wife, the best mother, the best employee,
the best daughter, and it's not possible.
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:These roles clash between each other."
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:End quote.
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:When the standard is to be the
best at everything, falling
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:short of a- any one role doesn't
feel like a missed expectation.
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:It feels like further proof that
there is something wrong with us.
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:Our inner critic voice speaks
louder and has more things to say
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:that keep us in this shame loop and
perfectionism As women, we get so
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:many messages of how we should look.
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:And in midlife, those of us that
grew up in the '80s and '90s, we grew
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:up with it on TV and in magazines,
reading articles about how we could be
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:flawless, and maybe not even realizing
then that a lot of those photos were
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:edited in magazines that made those
teenage girls and women look flawless.
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:And now it's even harder.
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:With social media and now AI, we
don't know what's filtered, and
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:we don't even know what's real.
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:And shame isn't just the self-criticism
we tell ourselves every day.
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:It also shows up in how much
we're willing to put ourselves out
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:there, what we're willing to risk.
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:Jen Ohrman shared so many instances
where her inner critic, or as she
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:calls it, her gremlin voice, showed up.
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:She said in her late teens and early 30s,
it was pushy, critical, and demanding.
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:" The gremlin knew people looked up to us
and expected us to figure things out,
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:no matter what, and if we couldn't or if
we were struggling, there was something
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:wrong with us, and we needed to hide it.
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:She says, "This critical voice was
obsessed with making sure that we
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:didn't disappoint others or the illusion
that we felt compelled to uphold.
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:"I used to wonder why people
had such constant expectations
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:of me, friends and teachers.
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:This critical voice defined my path
for so many years, maybe still today."
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:She said, "We can pretend we're as great
as everyone thinks they need us to be,
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:but we won't take the big risks that might
out us as being pretty human and basic.
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:This voice led to countless decisions
to play small and protect myself from
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:humiliating myself by disappointing them."
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:End quote.
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:She described instead of being the
captain of the gymnastics team,
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:pushing the coach to have tri
captains with the three seniors.
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:She didn't feel confident enough
to be the yearbook editor, so she
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:accepted a co-editor position.
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:And then in history class, when her
teacher cast her as a lawyer in a mock
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:trial, she was so afraid that she would
fail and disappoint the expectations
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:her teacher had of her that she didn't
even show up to school that day.
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:She even called in sick on the
day of the AP bio exam because
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:she was petrified of failing and
disappointing others around her.
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:She said, "I am in shock at how
much of my life back then was spent
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:masquerading, managing outside
expectations, and playing small.
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:It kind of breaks my heart."
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:End quote.
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:Our shame and the stories of being
failures and disappointments require
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:us to step outside of our minds.
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:That can feel daunting, though.
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:So much so that we let shame be
in control and in driving the
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:bus, choosing to disappear rather
than risk being seen failing.
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:The self-shaming can build and build
into this internal shame storm, a storm
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:that can be triggered by one thing, or
as it did in me, it builds over time.
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:A shame storm is a psychological
storm where your inner critic
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:takes over, convincing you that
you are not good enough or a fraud
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:or have irrevocably messed up.
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:It actually triggers a physical fight
or flight response in your body,
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:which can feel like a racing heart
or tight chest or a tingling face.
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:It's actually rooted in the primal fear
of social disconnection and rejection.
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:A shame storm is motivated by a fear that
you might be seen for who you really are:
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:a mess, not so worthy, a screw-up, simply
not good enough for anyone or anything.
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:And from the way that Jen describes it,
she had several shame storms that erupted.
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:Brené Brown says that empathy
is the antidote to shame.
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:And Blair Nicole, who is a self-compassion
coach and a PhD candidate for psychology,
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:takes it one step further, saying that
self-love is the antidote to shame.
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:And looking at everything shame does,
fueling the inner critic, making
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:us feel isolated and unworthy of
connection, creating insecurity in
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:our closest relationships, driving
us towards perfectionism just to
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:escape the pain of self-judgment,
I have to agree with both of them.
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:Empathy for ourselves and self-love
are what bring us out of that
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:internal shame and help us start to
love ourselves in a different way.
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:When I learned my human design, so
much of this finally made sense.
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:There was nothing wrong with me.
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:I was actually operating completely
out of alignment with how I am
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:naturally designed, and I was
carrying shame that came through
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:other people's conditioning, not as
anything being actually wrong with me.
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:Shame gets passed through the generations,
through comments and suggestions that
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:sometimes were and sometimes were not made
out of love by the adults in our lives.
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:I got tears in my eyes the first time
I read on my human design chart that I
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:don't have anything to prove, that I have
no reason to prove my worth, that I am
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:worthy just for being born on this planet.
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:I had heard that before from courses, from
my husband, from my therapist, but for
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:some reason, it wasn't until I read that,
that I recognized it as something innate
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:that I actually started to believe it.
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:Oh, yes, I do have worth.
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:This shift, I will say,
does not happen all at once.
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:Sometimes it takes someone
else saying it out loud before
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:you can see it in yourself.
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:That's what happened for Erika Sardinha.
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:She said, "When I went to India to do a
yoga and meditation training, there was
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:one day when we were split up into groups
and the conversation landed on self-love.
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:I didn't even remember exactly what
I said, but one of the women in the
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:group looked at me and said something
like, 'You are too hard on yourself.
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:You don't act like you love yourself.'
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:That was a crucial, pivotal moment in
my relationship with myself because
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:I thought I knew what self-love was.
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:I thought I was already practicing it,
but I was still being so hard on myself.
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:It was one of those life-changing
moments where I realized, oh, wait,
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:I still need to do work on this.
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:And from there, my relationship with
myself really, really improved."
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:End quote.
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:For years, I was so hypercritical of
myself, and my husband would say, "You
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:have to stop the broken record, Erica."
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:But it was so ingrained in me and
such a part of my thinking that
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:I didn't know how to stop it.
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:It took me a while to realize and to
be aware of those patterns that I had.
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:It took that class that I mentioned
at the beginning of the episode for me
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:to realize that I am a pattern maker,
and I was not a good pattern breaker.
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:And I wanna be clear,
this is not easy work.
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:This is not like flipping a switch
overnight, going from I'm a problem to
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:simply this is how I experience my life.
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:No, it's not realistic for
it to happen overnight.
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:But the other women in this series
and I are proof that it's possible
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:to start seeing yourself differently.
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:We spend so much of time shaming
ourselves, believing our bodies
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:were the problems, that we are
too emotional, and that that was a
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:problem, that we didn't belong, and
then f- therefore, we were unworthy
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:of belonging or even great things.
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:For me and for others, learning our human
designs changed that, and you're gonna
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:hear more stories as the series go on.
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:Reading that I didn't need to
prove my worth actually freed up
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:a lot of mental space that I had
been spending on criticizing and
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:shaming myself almost all day long.
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:But it has brought me to a place
that I never imagined was possible
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:for me, to break that pattern.
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:Shame doesn't change
behavior, as Brené says.
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:It never did, and it never will.
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:But understanding where it comes from,
how we turn it on ourselves, how we let
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:perfectionism and self-criticism be the
driver's seats driving that bus over
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:the cliff, that acknowledgement and
that work to untangle those patterns,
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:that is what gives us the power to
start to love ourselves, to take action,
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:and to slow down and to listen to our
bodies, to start to create practices
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:and rituals that care for our bodies.
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:And for those of us who are parents
and aunts and significant women in
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:kids' lives, that work ripples out
because kids notice everything.
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:They notice how we treat ourselves.
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:They notice how we talk about ourselves.
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:They notice how we talk about each other.
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:So we have two choices: to continue
the patterns of shame and humiliation,
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:thinking we don't deserve better,
or we can share the embarrassing
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:stories and then create connections.
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:Because at the end of the day, we
are all human, and we have a reason
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:for being on the planet at this time.
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:And I don't know about you, but I
want to be a light in the world for
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:others because we are living through
times that are feeling very tumultuous
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:and sometimes are feeling very dark.
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:And not participating in the shaming
and blaming of others and ourselves
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:helps break those patterns and in
turn shows others that self-love is
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:important and needed in the world.
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:I am so excited about how this
whole project has evolved so far.
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:If you have missed the other
Self-Love series episodes, I invite
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:you to go back and listen to them.
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:The first two episodes introduce
the series, and then I've also
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:done profile episodes where you
can listen about the women who have
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:shared their journeys of self-love.
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:You can also read these
arts articles on Substack.
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:And paid subscribers, you will have access
to self-love workshops in this summer.
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:If this episode resonated with
you, I would be so grateful if
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:you would click the plus sign to
subscribe, share it with a friend.
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:You can also find me on Substack where
I publish articles, host workshops, and
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:share more about human design and midlife.
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:. I'm so grateful you're here.
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:Thank you for joining me.
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:Be well.
