When You’d Rather Get Sick Than Say No

Speaker: 00:00:00

Welcome to Unfolding season two.

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I wanna start this season

with something tender...

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and a little spicy!

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Calendars.

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And I know you're thinking

how can calendars be spicy?

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So hear me out.

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It is that time of year again.

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School planners.

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Sports schedules.

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Group texts.

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Your calendar is filling out fast,

and if we're honest, part of you

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might want to run the other way.

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Have you ever looked at your calendar

and felt this pit in your stomach?

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Not 'cause you're overbooked, but

because you've said yes to things

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that you actually don't want to do?

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I have totally been there and I used

to say yes and then spend days trying

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to figure out how to get out of it.

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Sadly, praying for a rainy day

or a snow day or some other

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reason I couldn't be there.

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I didn't wanna be sick, but honestly.

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I did end up sick often.

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So let's talk about how powerful

it can feel to say no before your

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body has to scream it to you.

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Hi, I'm Erica.

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I am a Decision Mentor and Inner

Trust Guide, and I work with women

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in midlife to trust their gut,

understand their unique strengths, and

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stop saying yes to what drains them.

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I use human design coaching and reiki

and we clear the noise so that their no

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feels powerful and their yes feels true.

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So I'm back from a summer break.

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It was a crazy summer.

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I was learning how to be a full-time

coach while also having my 11-year-old

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home from March of the much of the time.

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And it was, it was interesting,

we'll just put it that way.

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But balancing this new thing with all

the things that I wanted to do, like

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going to the pool multiple times a week.

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Did they meet my expectations?

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Did I meet the expectations

I met for myself?

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No, but that's another

story for another episode.

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And now we're back in school and

between softball, girl scouts and

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school events, there are a lot

of dates filling our calendar.

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And you don't have to be a

parent to feel this though.

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Like people are coming back, they're

settling into their routines, they're

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coming back from summer travel, and your

calendar's probably filling up too, and

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your nervous system might be tightening.

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Just looking at it.

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So let's talk about what it really

means to say no and how your body

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might be already doing it for you

before your mind is even involved.

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Saying yes, when you

mean no is not kindness.

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It's really nervous system

sabotage and self abandonment

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does not make you generous.

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It really builds resentment.

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Confidence isn't about doing more,

it's about doing what's actually

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right for you and the most powerful

move you can make this fall.

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The strong clean, this guilt-free.

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"No."

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Kids are heading back to

school this time of year.

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The emails are flying, the

invites are rolling in, and

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the group texts are exploding.

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There's this collective pressure

to get organized, to be productive,

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to get your calendar locked in.

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And I get it.

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I love a good plan, but honestly,

it's really, really exhausting.

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And if you're like many women I work with,

this time of year does not feel fresh.

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It doesn't feel good.

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It feels heavy.

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It feels like too much, and

not because you're lazy and not

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because you're disorganized, though

sometimes it may feel that way.

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And think about it.

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When someone asks you to commit

to something, to join a group, to

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volunteer for a thing and to come to

an event, and your first thought is

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probably not, "how do I make it work?"

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Instead, it's "how do I get outta this?"

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Because your body is whispering

, "please don't do this again."

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And let's be honest, how many times have

you secretly celebrated getting sick?

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Because it meant that you could cancel

those plans that you did not want to do.

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It felt like this divine out,

and maybe it was just your

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energy waving this white flag.

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That that wasn't fate.

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That was your body saying what your mouth

would not what your mind would, not what

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your mind was trying to talk you into.

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That yes was never really true and

we don't talk about this mental

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spiral that we tend to get into.

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We tend to think, what excuse can I use?

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How can I cancel without seeming flaky?

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Will they be mad?

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Will they be disappointed?

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Will I regret going?

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I know you've been in that spiral.

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We don't talk about it enough about that

quiet dread that follows that false Yes.

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That, yes, that comes out of pressure.

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That yes, that comes out of obligation

because it's what you think you should do.

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And resentment, layered with guilt.

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It's really exhausting,

and I'm here to tell you.

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By thinking this and by getting

into this spiral, you're not flaky

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and you're not being dramatic.

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You're just really ready

to stop abandoning yourself

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and to stop that spiral.

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And we, when we look at this

from a human design perspective,

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a couple of things come up.

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If you have an emotional authority, that

means you need to sleep on your decisions.

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You're not meant for that instant yes.

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"Let me get back to you" is not rude.

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It's actually incredibly respectful

for your nervous system and honestly,

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it's respectful to the person

who's asking for your time too.

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You might feel this like slow building

wave, this starting of discomfort and this

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crashing into resentment because maybe

you said yes to as a school fundraiser

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and your chest immediately tightened and

you thought, oh, I don't wanna do this.

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That was your wave saying

we are not a yes this time.

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If you have this sacral authority

or what I call trust your gut, this

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means you're either a manifesting

generator or a generator.

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You probably have felt that pit

in your stomach when you say

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yes, but really you meant no.

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Your body is giving you that answer.

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That's wisdom.

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And now the work is to

really learn to trust it.

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And if you have an undefined ego center.

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That's the little off kilter

triangle in the middle of your

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chart, and that shows up white.

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You might say yes from a need to

prove and that proving that you

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feel like you're reliable, you're

proving that you're valuable,

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you're proving that you're liked.

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But what I want you to ask

yourself is, what if I didn't

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have to prove anything to belong?

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And also, if you have a splenic authority.

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It's usually this flicker, this

like hint that this isn't for me.

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And then your mind gets involved and it

jumps in and it tries to override it and

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it tries to give you a reason and tell you

all these things why you're wrong, when

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really your body is telling you everything

you need to know 'cause you really want

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to cancel, but you needed a reason.

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And because your body is giving you

that sensation, you're not trusting it.

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And no matter what your design

is, your authority is speaking.

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The work is you learning how to hear

it and to trust your body, and because

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your body will get really, really loud,

it will make you sick, it will take

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you down, and if you trust it before

your body has to get involved, then

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you've calmed that nervous system.

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And for so long I equated this.

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Yes, with kindness and reliability

and a no, with like being

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selfish and being difficult.

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There was a time in my life when I'd

always say yes almost automatically

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without even thinking it through.

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I thought.

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Well, that's what I should do.

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I should be the good mom.

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I should be the good partner, the

good friend, the good coworker.

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That's what they do.

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That's what makes people like you.

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And then I would find myself resentful of

the meeting that I had agreed to attend

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or the thing that I had committed to.

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And over time, I started to

notice a pattern that the

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yeses didn't always feel right.

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And they ended up costing me.

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They can cost me my energy.

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They cost me my time, and

they cost me my peace.

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Almost instantly after I hung

up or hit send, I would feel it.

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I'm a generator with an emotional

authority, so I get this instant

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hit and I need to sleep on my big

decisions, but I would feel this dread

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in my chest that instant regret that

like, oh crap, can I get out of this?

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Why did I say yes?

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And then I would immediately go into

this strategizing like, how can I cancel?

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How can I not sound flaky?

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Or indecisive?

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Maybe I can tell them I

forgot, or maybe I'll be sick.

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Or maybe it'll rain that day

and we won't have to be outside.

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And when I got sick, honestly,

there was this sense of relief.

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And I would think like maybe I wasn't

supposed to go anyway, and this was

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the universe's way of telling me that

I wasn't supposed to go, I got sick.

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When really, if I had said no in the first

place, I wouldn't have to worry about it.

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I wasn't this yes girl all the time.

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Those times that I did say no.

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I felt so strong.

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Like I had bent steel with my bare hands.

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I was a no.

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But they would also be that

part of me that was like, but

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what if they don't like me?

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What if they don't ask me next time?

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Because I said No.

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What if I missed out on something?

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But here's what I have learned.

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I didn't need to get

sick to listen to myself.

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I didn't need a stomach bug

or a sore throat to say no.

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When I started to trust those signals

in my body, that made such a difference.

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And I did get invited to things.

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I did get asked for things.

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That no one time was not a big deal.

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And now if I feel that sense

of dread or that sick feeling

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instantly, I know it's a no.

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'cause the more I've leaned into

noticing it, the more clearly and

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the more quickly it actually speaks.

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It's made me realize when I wait

until I'm sick or overwhelmed to say

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no, then I've really ignored myself.

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I've ignored my body for too long, and

I think about all the times I could have

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saved myself so much stress by actually

saying, simply, "can I get back to you?"

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Before I even committed?

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Or being by being strong in the

first place and listening to what

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my body was already telling me.

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Like my mind was always

like, you should say yes.

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My body was like, no,

I don't wanna do this.

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Why are we saying yes?

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I love the fact that now I don't

have an inner conflict happening.

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And for you this fall, I want

your calendar to reflect you.

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I want a calendar that like

actually lights you up when you

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look at it and you have these.

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Yes, I really wanna do that.

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I'm really excited about it.

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So then you have fewer

heavy, yeah, I'll do it.

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And I want you to say, let me check

our calendar and get back to you,

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because then that gives you the

space to feel into your body and

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what's really, really right for you.

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And you know, you might say no to

things that it'll come up and you'll

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be like, oh, I wish I'd gone, but

two weeks later, do you really care?

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Because the more nos that feel like

self-respect and not rebellion, because

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they will feel so good, not because you're

getting "good at making boundaries,"

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but because you're finally listening

to your body because you're finally

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living in alignment with your energy.

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So I invite you to try this.

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The next time you get a request or an

invite, I want you to ask yourself, "would

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I get relieved if this got canceled?"

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If the answer is yes, that's your answer.

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Your answer is no, that

you don't want to do this.

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Like if you would be so relieved

and feel so good that the event got

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canceled, then you need to say no

in the first place instead of saying

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yes because you feel obligated.

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So I want you to reflect where are you

still saying yes, when you really mean no?

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And what are you afraid of will

happen if you actually say no

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clearly and kindly if this hits home?

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I'm so glad.

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That means you are ready.

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You're ready to stop performing.

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You're ready to start trusting those nos.

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And if you wanna practice this kind of

trust with real support, I want to invite

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you into a free coaching call with me.

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To learn how to say these nos

really confidently and really

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like, oh yes, I said no.

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Or even I said no.

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Because that's what feels right for you

and that's really nervous system repair.

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And it's not through breath work though.

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I love that too.

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This is like honoring your

decision- making process that honors

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your design because your trust

isn't something you can force.

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It's something that you have

to practice over and over.

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And it really starts with that first.

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No.

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So let's start there.

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Like start with this strong

no, the kind that like.

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Makes room for so many more yeses.

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I was talking to a client today and I

was like, when you clean out your closet,

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think about how much space you have.

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And that space allows more things

and more opportunities to come in.

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So we want to learn how to create

that space by saying a strong no.

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A confident, no a no.

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That feels so right for us.

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Thank you for joining me.

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I'll see you next time.

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Have a good one.