Expectations Create a Wall...

Speaker: 00:00:00

"Expectations create a wall to

hang all of my disappointments

2

: 00:00:04

on", let that sink in for a moment.

3

: 00:00:08

Hey, this is Erica Voell and

welcome back to Unfolding.

4

: 00:00:12

I'm so glad you're here.

5

: 00:00:13

I am a Decision Mentor and

Inner Trust Guide, and I work

6

: 00:00:17

with smart capable women.

7

: 00:00:19

Often those in midlife who are stuck

in overwhelm and overcommitment.

8

: 00:00:24

Human design coaching and reiki, I

help them trust their inner guidance,

9

: 00:00:28

understand their unique strengths, that

they stop saying yes to what drains

10

: 00:00:31

them, and build a life that actually

feels sustainable and satisfying.

11

: 00:00:36

My system gives them a grounded plan

that works because it's built for

12

: 00:00:40

how they're designed to operate,

so then we can clear the noise.

13

: 00:00:44

So there are no feels powerful

and their yes feels true.

14

: 00:00:49

Expectations create a wall to

hang all of my disappointments on.

15

: 00:00:54

That's a line I heard today

after some really intense

16

: 00:00:58

breathwork, and it made me pause.

17

: 00:01:01

And I got this really clear image of

all these sticky notes on a wall with

18

: 00:01:05

all of my disappointments related to

these expectations, and it's so true.

19

: 00:01:12

I've always been one that is really

big on expectations for how things

20

: 00:01:16

will be or how I want them to be.

21

: 00:01:20

A new job, and I set expectations

for myself and the job.

22

: 00:01:24

And then six months later when

things aren't working out the

23

: 00:01:27

way I wanted, I'm disappointed.

24

: 00:01:30

Or frustrated.

25

: 00:01:31

And granted many times there

were other factors at play.

26

: 00:01:34

Many of these jobs were actually not

right for me anyway, and I was trying

27

: 00:01:38

to make it work because it was my escape

from another job that had gone sour.

28

: 00:01:43

But that's another story for another day.

29

: 00:01:45

The tighter the grip on these

expectations, the bigger

30

: 00:01:49

the disappointments and the

bigger the frustrations.

31

: 00:01:53

I'm sure you can relate.

32

: 00:01:54

I've heard some people say that they

never set goals because they always get

33

: 00:01:59

disappointed when they don't meet them.

34

: 00:02:01

I mean, think about how many

New Year's resolutions people

35

: 00:02:04

make that never get fulfilled.

36

: 00:02:07

I mean, we know that by the middle

of February that most people's New

37

: 00:02:12

Year's resolutions have not been met

and people have just given up on them.

38

: 00:02:17

And I used to be in that camp.

39

: 00:02:19

I mean, why set myself

up for failure, right?

40

: 00:02:22

And then I started to set some

goals and not these crazy, like,

41

: 00:02:26

I'm gonna lose 30 pounds this year.

42

: 00:02:28

These were aspirational goals

of what I wanted my life to look

43

: 00:02:32

like in three to five years.

44

: 00:02:34

Not a five-year plan.

45

: 00:02:36

I hate hearing about five-year plans

because they feel so confining and

46

: 00:02:41

like you're supposed to follow it

step by step with like no freedom.

47

: 00:02:46

But then I bought this book called

The Dragontree Dream Book and Planner.

48

: 00:02:51

It started to help me see

that setting some aspirational

49

: 00:02:55

goals were actually helpful.

50

: 00:02:57

These goals were like what I would like

to do, but I didn't know the next step.

51

: 00:03:03

I was just putting it

out into the universe.

52

: 00:03:05

I was writing it down and I was

just going to trust because the

53

: 00:03:09

next step would present itself.

54

: 00:03:12

And I started answering questions

like, if nothing were holding me

55

: 00:03:16

back with no guilt, no timeline,

no fear of disappointing anyone,

56

: 00:03:21

what would my life feel like?

57

: 00:03:23

And how would I feel when

I wake up in the morning?

58

: 00:03:27

And what kind of energy do I want

to have when I've reached this goal?

59

: 00:03:31

And what would make me feel proud

about myself at the end of the day?

60

: 00:03:36

And then what rituals or

practices could I do that would

61

: 00:03:39

like support that version of me?

62

: 00:03:43

These were questions I never would've

thought of to ask myself if it hadn't

63

: 00:03:47

been for that Dreambook and Planner.

64

: 00:03:49

Something that I just

happened to find on Facebook.

65

: 00:03:53

And amazingly enough, as I wrote these

down, things started to come to fruition.

66

: 00:03:59

Like I had written down that I would

love to be a full-time coach at some

67

: 00:04:03

point, but it was this like nice to

have dream or a someday day dream.

68

: 00:04:08

I never thought it would

really come to a reality.

69

: 00:04:11

And then in 2022 when things started

to shift for me during burnout,

70

: 00:04:15

I started to see, oh, actually

this is a possibility for me.

71

: 00:04:20

So fast forward to this year as I was

leaving my library job this spring,

72

: 00:04:25

I started to develop these ideas

of what it would be like to work

73

: 00:04:29

from home in my business full-time.

74

: 00:04:32

Every day without having to fit

my business into the corners

75

: 00:04:35

around work and family like I

did when I had a full-time job.

76

: 00:04:39

It was going to be amazing.

77

: 00:04:40

It was gonna feel so good.

78

: 00:04:43

I was gonna get so much done and I was

going to love my work every single day.

79

: 00:04:48

Not terrible goals to have.

80

: 00:04:50

I had ideas of what our summer would

look like, but then something started

81

: 00:04:55

to creep in and it wasn't until my

daughter went back to school and I

82

: 00:04:59

felt disappointed that our summer

hadn't been as amazing as I'd hoped.

83

: 00:05:04

And then it hit me.

84

: 00:05:08

I had a really intense session with

my therapist recently, and I realized

85

: 00:05:11

what was happening, those expectations

I had they weren't being met.

86

: 00:05:17

And by setting them up, I was

actually building a wall, a wall

87

: 00:05:23

to hang every disappointment on.

88

: 00:05:25

I hadn't opened the energy up for

things to flow and for beautiful

89

: 00:05:29

things to shift and change.

90

: 00:05:31

And it's similar to those walls

that are built along a river.

91

: 00:05:34

Think about it.

92

: 00:05:35

They are very structured.

93

: 00:05:38

They don't allow for a lot of

flow, and yes, that they're built

94

: 00:05:42

to help protect us from flooding.

95

: 00:05:46

But in nature, a lot of times

we need these gentle banks to

96

: 00:05:51

allow the water to ebb and flow.

97

: 00:05:56

And this summer, and as I've

become a full-time coach, I

98

: 00:06:01

was not promised an outcome.

99

: 00:06:03

I had just made up in my mind and I got

so attached to this outcome and this

100

: 00:06:10

is a pattern I'm noticing that is in

my life and it's definitely showing up.

101

: 00:06:14

Thinking that I'm being clear on what

I want and that thinking that that

102

: 00:06:19

meant I could create the outcome that

I wanted, but really what has happened

103

: 00:06:25

is it's just creates this greater

grasp on wanting to control things.

104

: 00:06:29

So today when I was doing breath

work, this message that came through

105

: 00:06:34

"expectations create a wall to hang all of

my disappointments on," and it so clearly

106

: 00:06:41

reminded me where I have been struggling.

107

: 00:06:43

I have set so many expectations for

myself and for my business, and I

108

: 00:06:48

have started to build that wall.

109

: 00:06:50

And these disappointments were

actually getting quickly put up,

110

: 00:06:54

like I said, the sticky notes.

111

: 00:06:55

I could add a whole bunch of them.

112

: 00:06:58

But it's a message for me to

loosen my grip and not try to

113

: 00:07:04

set these hard expectations.

114

: 00:07:08

I can set these aspirational goals

for my business for six months from

115

: 00:07:12

now, but it's a message for me , to

not be so controlling and to allow

116

: 00:07:18

more flow and to see what comes,

because I've been so attached to

117

: 00:07:23

these outcomes, I don't think I've

allowed this space for things to flow.

118

: 00:07:29

And also to not plan so tightly

that I don't allow the space

119

: 00:07:37

for what may be asking to shift.

120

: 00:07:39

There is a lot that I'm noticing is

needing to shift because I had held

121

: 00:07:46

so tightly to these expectations.

122

: 00:07:49

These disappointments are definitely

message that something is not working

123

: 00:07:53

and sometimes new things need to come

through and new needs to come through, and

124

: 00:07:59

I've been someone who loves to know what

the expectations are of me because I'm

125

: 00:08:04

always worried about disappointing others.

126

: 00:08:07

It goes back to this feeling that

I need to prove my worth and to

127

: 00:08:10

prove that I'm worthy of love.

128

: 00:08:13

And I know that that's part of my

human design with my open ego center.

129

: 00:08:19

And when I don't feel like I've met other

people's expectations, I feel like I've

130

: 00:08:23

not only disappointed them, but then

I feel really disappointed in myself.

131

: 00:08:29

And then I start to play back all the

things that I could have done differently.

132

: 00:08:33

So I'm always wanting to know the

expectations of what's expected of me

133

: 00:08:39

because I wanna avoid this sense of

disappointment and I also know that

134

: 00:08:43

setting clear expectations is actually

part of having a five in my profile.

135

: 00:08:47

I have a 5/1 profile, which is a

problem solver and investigator.

136

: 00:08:52

I want others to know that I won't be

available to solve all their problems.

137

: 00:08:57

That is a thing that has been part of my

past is that people see that I am this

138

: 00:09:02

problem-solver, and so then I started to

solve problems that didn't feel right for

139

: 00:09:07

me, and I know it gets projected onto me.

140

: 00:09:11

So it's really essential for me to

set some boundaries, and I used to

141

: 00:09:17

really love it when people noticed

that I could do things, but then those

142

: 00:09:20

expectations would get placed on me

and when I couldn't deliver up to their

143

: 00:09:24

expectations, or I didn't wanna take

on the next project because it didn't

144

: 00:09:29

feel right, then I could start to

feel that there was a fall from grace.

145

: 00:09:33

And it actually wasn't until I learned

about my human design that I realized

146

: 00:09:37

about those projections on me and

those expectations, and then why

147

: 00:09:41

it had felt so difficult sometimes.

148

: 00:09:45

So with clients, I try to be really

upfront about what they can expect from

149

: 00:09:49

me because I know it's easy for people to

see me as this person that can give them

150

: 00:09:55

lots of solutions, and I don't want to

be the person who solves their problems.

151

: 00:10:00

Yes, I want to offer practical solutions,

but I wanna walk alongside them instead

152

: 00:10:05

of being seen as the one with the answers.

153

: 00:10:08

And why not isn't

disappointing someone else?

154

: 00:10:11

Not about letting them down,

but maybe just realizing that it

155

: 00:10:15

wasn't right in the first place.

156

: 00:10:18

That reframe alone has given me so

much peace because it shifts the

157

: 00:10:23

focus from blame to understanding.

158

: 00:10:26

And even when it's uncomfortable, having

some clearness actually helps us move

159

: 00:10:31

forward without carrying so much weight.

160

: 00:10:35

Because those expectations can feel

like lead weights on your shoulders.

161

: 00:10:41

So if you're noticing that some

of your expectations are not being

162

: 00:10:44

met lately, I want you to pause.

163

: 00:10:47

You're not alone in this.

164

: 00:10:50

Everyone gets stuck in these expectations.

165

: 00:10:53

This is something I'm sitting with too,

and maybe we don't need to rush to fix it.

166

: 00:10:57

Maybe we just need to notice it.

167

: 00:10:59

Maybe it's a sign for us that

something is ready to shift.

168

: 00:11:05

I hope you have a great week,

and I wanna leave you with this.

169

: 00:11:09

What is one expectation you could loosen

your grip on today to feel some of that

170

: 00:11:16

flow, to feel a little bit lighter so

that you're not putting another sticky

171

: 00:11:21

note on that wall of disappointment?

172

: 00:11:25

Thank you for joining me.

173

: 00:11:26

And if you want to learn more about

your human design, you can grab my

174

: 00:11:29

free confidence guide, it's linked

in the show notes, and then book your

175

: 00:11:33

free coaching call with me where we'll

explore your chart and what's coming up

176

: 00:11:37

for you right now and see where things

are working and where things aren't.

177

: 00:11:41

And if you enjoy this episode,

I would love it if you would tap

178

: 00:11:45

the + sign to follow the show so

you don't miss what's coming next.

179

: 00:11:48

And if you're feeling really generous.

180

: 00:11:51

I would love a quick review, which

helps other people find unfolding,

181

: 00:11:55

and I would be so grateful.

182

: 00:11:56

Your support means so much.

183

: 00:11:59

And if there's someone in your life who

would love these conversations, please

184

: 00:12:03

share it with a friend or colleague.

185

: 00:12:05

Be well and I'll talk to you next time.