Why Decisions Feel So Hard (And It’s Not Your Fault)
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Decision fatigue is the side-effect of having to make too many decisions. We have so many choices and are bombarded with so much information. Decision fatigue leaves us feeling depleted and it also clutters our minds, making even simple decisions feel overwhelming.
Because we’re so cluttered and we worry about making the “right choice.”
Making another decision can feel like too much.
In this episode, I’m breaking down what decision fatigue actually is, how it shows up in your everyday life (yes, even what ketchup to buy counts), and what it looks like to stop outsourcing your decisions – and start trusting your own timing and truth again.
Transcript
Welcome to the Unfolding Podcast,
a space where we explore what it
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:really looks like to trust yourself,
say no without guilt, and live your
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:life like it actually belongs to you.
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:I am Erica Voell and in my work as
a Decision Mentor and Inner-Trust
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:Guide, I help women in midlife trust
their inner guidance, understand
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:their unique strengths, and stop
saying yes to what drains them.
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:I help them dismantle conditioning so
that they can regulate their nervous
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:system and reclaim their authority,
and then their no feels powerful
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:and their yes is unmistakably true.
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:On this show, we have honest conversations
about self-trust, boundaries, energy
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:and identity, especially for women
in midlife who are done living by the
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:"shoulds" and second guessing themselves.
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:You'll hear stories, insights,
and tools rooted in human
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:design, coaching, and real life.
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:Not to tell you what to do, but to help
you really hear yourself so you can stop
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:overthinking and start making decisions
that feel clear, grounded, and true.
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:And I talk a lot about
decisions in this podcast.
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:That is my focus, that is my specialty.
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:Decisions are everything.
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:When you feel confident in your
decisions, you trust yourself more.
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:You set better boundaries.
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:You change the stories you tell
yourself, and you start to shift the
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:patterns that have kept you stuck
because you stop saying yes to the
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:things that you don't want to do.
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:I've been putting together something
new that I will be sharing about
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:in my Decide by Design Masterclass
that starts January 29th.
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:And the more I work on it,
the more convicted I feel
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:about my message and my work.
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:And that's what inspired this episode.
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:This episode was recorded for the private
podcast for the masterclass that I'm
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:holding, but it was so good and so juicy.
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:I didn't feel like I could keep
it just for the private podcast.
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:I felt like I needed to share it with you.
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:So let's get to the episode.
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:I.
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:Do you know how many
decisions you make in a day?
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:Does it feel like 30 or maybe 3000?
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:But what if I told you on the average
day, you probably make 35,000 decisions?
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:35,000.
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:Part of those 35,000 are.
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:Do you get out of bed when your alarm
goes off, or do you hit the snooze?
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:What do you want for
breakfast, lunch or dinner?
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:Do you order in after a busy day at work
or when your kids are having a rough day?
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:Should you take a different
way home due to the traffic?
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:What podcasts do you listen to?
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:And if you don't wanna listen
to a podcast, what book
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:or music do you listen to?
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:Should you read your email right now?
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:I mean, the list is almost endless
of the decisions we make every
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:day, and many times we're not even
aware we're making a decision.
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:The more decisions we feel we need
to make, the more likely it is
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:for us to have decision fatigue.
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:So what is decision fatigue?
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:Decision fatigue is a term that
social psychologist Roy Baumeister
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:described as the mental and the
emotional strain resulting from
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:the burden of making choices.
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:There's a website called Decision Lab,
which describes decision fatigue "as
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:the cognitive shortcut that causes
irrational trade-offs in decision making.
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:It emerges from mental resources that
are depleted after making numerous
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:decisions, leading individuals
to favor immediate gratification.
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:Simplify complex decisions or default
to familiar, less optimal options.
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:The more decisions made
throughout the day, the harder
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:each decision becomes for us.
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:Eventually, the brain looks for
shortcuts to circumvent decision
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:fatigue leading to poor choices.
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:Decision fatigue can also lead people
to avoid making decisions altogether.
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:A phenomenon referred to
as decision avoidance."
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:End quote.
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:Not only does decision fatigue
make us feel depleted, but it
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:also clutters our mind making even
simple decisions feel overwhelming,
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:which leads to chronic stress.
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:And we've seen a rise in anxiety in the
last 25 years because we're so cluttered
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:and we also because of social media,
worry about making the right choice.
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:When you're exhausted, another
decision can feel like too much.
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:So what do we actually
do when we're overloaded?
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:When we're overloaded, our
instinct is to outsource.
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:We look for outside validation
to feel certain, instead of
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:internally trusting our instincts.
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:So you get into the group chat and you
ask your friends, what should I do?
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:Should I go to this party?
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:Should I wear this dress?
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:Should I take this job?
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:Should I apply for another job?
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:Should I buy a new car?
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:We ask our friends hoping that
their input will give us certainty.
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:I mean, we've all done it.
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:We all do it.
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:We're all going to continue to do it.
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:But when you're burned out and
when you're tired, or when your
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:kid asks for one more thing, you're
like, I don't know what to do.
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:Which means our brains are
checking out and do you know what?
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:Retailers know this and they
use it to their advantage.
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:Social media also uses
it to their advantage.
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:There is even psychology about why there
are so many choices in the grocery store
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:when we are making choices about food.
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:We make over 227 choices
regarding food each day.
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:I know that feels like a lot, but
when you factor in, it's not just
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:what to eat, but do you add spices?
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:How do you cut the vegetables?
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:It's no wonder we open the fridge and
stare at it into like it's an abyss.
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:We don't know what to eat.
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:Especially if you're tired or your kids
are melting down because they are hungry.
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:I was curious about this.
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:So I looked up our local
grocery store chain, Hy-Vee.
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:'cause I wanted to see how many
options there are for ketchup.
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:I don't know why I picked ketchup.
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:I mean, I randomly thought about
what would have a lot of varieties.
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:Do you know that there are
35 options for ketchup at the
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:grocery store down the street?
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:Do we really need 35 options for
ketchup, spicy, pickle-flavored
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:jalapeno, sugar free, real sugar,
thick and rich, real tomato.
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:This doesn't even factor in the
ketchup, Mayo combos or the barbecue
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:sauces, which there are a ton of
considering that I'm in Kansas City.
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:Now as someone with food allergies,
I appreciate the options to an
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:extent, like being able to get
pesto without cheese in it.
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:But with all these choices, it's
no wonder that the average grocery
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:store run now takes 40 minutes to get
everything we need, and the more choices
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:means it's harder to find exactly
what you want in that sea of choices.
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:Psychologically, we think
we need less choice.
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:One example of this is Aldi.
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:They have one or two options of ketchup
as opposed to the 35 options at the chain
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:grocery store across the street from Aldi.
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:It is no wonder that people have
started to shop online, if our food
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:choices are overwhelming, it adds to
the decision fatigue and the grocery
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:stores and the other retailers know that.
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:Which is why the candy is
always near the checkout.
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:Decision fatigue means we make
poorer choices, and how often do you
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:come home with a few extra things
from your grocery list or any other
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:store with things that you don't
need and that were not on your list.
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:You also might have noticed that
online retailers often have this "often
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:bought with" or other customers bought
near at the end of each item online.
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:Or they suggestive sell at the
end of the online transaction.
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:So here's how I've seen
this play out personally.
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:My daughter says she wants more
choices at the grocery store than
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:are offered at our natural food
store that we usually shop at.
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:So we took her to the local
grocery store, the chain store
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:down the street, and what happened?
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:Her eyes glazed over with all of
the choices of frozen pizza options.
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:She turned to me and she's
like, "I don't know."
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:And we wonder why so many women say
they either don't trust their decisions
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:or they feel like they make poor
decisions, or they say that they're
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:so indecisive that they wait until
they are pressured to make a decision.
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:And we all know that the best
decisions are not made under pressure.
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:I used to think that I was someone
who did not make good decisions
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:because I would say yes to something
and then I would feel instantly sick.
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:I would feel this sensation, this sinking
sensation in my body when something
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:was wrong or it was a no, and I would
override my instincts anyway because I
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:needed to do what I thought I should do.
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:Or what someone else wanted me to do,
or what I thought I was supposed to
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:do, I could feel that it was off and
I would talk myself into it, which is
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:exactly the opposite of what I should
have been doing . My brain would run
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:through all the logistics of why I needed
to to do something, and if I didn't
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:wanna do it, I would convince myself
that I was just being too sensitive.
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:And many times I would ignore that sinking
feeling to avoid conflict if I said no.
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:When many, many times they hoped, I
would say yes, but here's the thing,
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:I am not built for those fast yeses.
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:I need to sleep on my big
decisions to feel into it.
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:And yes, I can decide.
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:You know what I'm gonna have for dinner.
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:I can make those easy decisions
because I know what a hint
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:of a yes or a no feels like.
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:But if it's a bigger decision, I know
I need to love it more over time.
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:If it's a yes, and if I don't love
it over time, well then it's a no.
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:And I've learned to say,
can I get back to you?
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:That simple question asking,
can I get back to you?
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:Buys my body and my brain time, and if
it's a no, then I'm not swirling trying
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:to figure out how am I gonna tell them no.
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:If I have too many choices.
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:I have found myself so overwhelmed
saying yes out of a feeling of
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:obligation because I feel so exhausted.
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:I had severe decision fatigue at
work, especially when I was working
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:with the public at the library, and
I needed to make quick decisions
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:in the moment all the time.
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:And when I had a bigger decision at
work, what would happen is, is I would
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:say yes, because it was more palatable
and it was easier, and then I would
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:think, oh, I can figure things out later.
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:So much of the time that Yes was
expected from me, and I needed a
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:justification as to why it was a no.
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:It was an awful feeling.
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:What I later learned was that
this is not a personal failure.
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:There is actual psychological
science to back it up.
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:What we know is that too many
choices actually limits our freedom.
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:More choices has not made us happier.
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:According to Barry Schwartz, who's
a psychologist, he calls it the
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:paradox of choice, which suggests that
the more options we have, the less
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:satisfied we feel with our decision.
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:Too many choices requires too
much cognitive effort, which
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:then leads to decision fatigue
and regret over these decisions.
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:And we know through human design that we
do not make good decisions with our minds.
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:That's what we are taught to make
decisions with our minds, and it's
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:what leads so many people to not
trust themselves because our bodies
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:actually know before our minds do.
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:People say they want lots of
options, but really prefer having
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:more options in certain contexts.
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:Schwartz found that a plethora of
choices actually causes people to
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:be less happy with their decisions.
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:Having too many options made them
less satisfied with the decision
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:that they made, and there's a fine
line between having the freedom to
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:choose and being paralyzed by too
many choices because it takes time
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:to deliberate all these choices.
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:How often have you spent your evening
looking for something to watch on Netflix
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:or whatever service you use, only for
you to end up not watching anything
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:because you don't know what you want?
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:Or a lot of times you just run outta
time and you're like, Ugh, I don't know.
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:And it's, and it seems like it would be
so much easier to have fewer choices.
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:But what's fascinating is that we feel
more strongly about an option when we
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:have three choices versus just two.
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:Which is why making small tweaks like
narrowing your options can help you
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:reduce some of that mental noise.
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:I mean, we are so tired from so many
decisions, and then you add on top of it
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:perimenopause for women, and we wonder why
some mornings we pour our coffee into our
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:cereal without realizing it's too late.
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:I'm guilty.
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:It happened to me.
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:I mean, it's funny until it's not.
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:That brain fog and the forgetfulness
along with the burnout that many
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:women in perimenopause are feeling.
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:It's all connected to decision overload.
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:Because our minds are not designed
to make all of our decisions.
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:I know that that can seem completely
counterintuitive to what we
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:were taught as kids and adults.
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:We actually have a more powerful and
reliable way of making decisions.
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:Our body.
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:Our body knows our decisions
before our mind ever gets involved.
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:That's why my work with human
design and the decision making
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:authority is so important.
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:It's what I spend so much
of my time with clients.
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:Your body's natural way of
making aligned decisions.
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:Some people need to wait.
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:Some people need to talk it out.
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:Some people need to sleep on it.
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:For others, they know instantly,
and that doesn't mean that we always
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:trust what our body is telling us.
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:Because we have been taught
and conditioned to make
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:decisions with our minds.
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:But learning to trust your
decision-making authority takes
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:practice, and once you've learned
it, you stop spinning an indecision.
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:And you're able to tap into it when you
have to make a decision, you feel more
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:confident and you trust yourself more.
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:Now, it might not change
how you pick the ketchup.
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:But when it comes to those big decisions
that sometimes feel overwhelming and
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:impossible, it can feel life changing.
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:Nearly 70% of people have this
simple yes or no response in their
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:design, but that only works when
you slow down enough to listen.
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:When you know what a yes feels like,
when you know, what a no feels like,
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:and you know your body's response.
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:We feel like our lives are more
complicated than generations
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:before us, and it may be because
there are so many choices.
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:There is so much information.
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:We are bombarded with
technology in our phones.
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:With so much noise and so many choices,
it's no wonder we are exhausted.
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:But the funny thing is.
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:Is this is not our fault.
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:We are low overloaded with information,
and the technology loves that.
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:They know decision's fatigued,
so they make the platforms easy.
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:It's an easy decision.
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:It's a dopamine hit.
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:It makes you feel good.
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:But then what do they do?
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:Especially on social media, they add in
ads, which is so why so often when you've
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:talked to somebody about being cold, that
you suddenly have ads for heated socks.
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:Or you complain about the dog hair on
your couch and suddenly you have nothing
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:but ads for this dog hair, vacuum.
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:I mean, they are giving you solutions
so you don't have to think about it.
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:They know you're overloaded with
information and you're decision fatigued,
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:and they know that what you are doing is
that you are farming out your decisions.
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:When you farm out your decisions,
when you outsource it, the trust in
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:your own decisions starts to erode.
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:And it's not about whether or
not you should buy that dog hair
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:vacuum, but it's also about the
bigger decisions you need to make.
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:What will you do next year?
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:Will you look for another job?
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:Because when you don't trust those
smaller decisions due to decision
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:fatigue, those bigger decisions can
feel overwhelming and insurmountable.
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:Because then it's easier to ask others.
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:It's easier to ask your family.
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:It's easier to ask your friends.
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:And honestly, so many people are
asking ChatGPT, what they should do.
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:I will admit, as women, we have received
a lot of conditioning around our
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:decisions, especially when we were kids.
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:Even with the family members
who had the best of intentions,
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:they would ask us, are you sure?
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:Don't you think you
need to think about it?
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:Because our decisions
made them uncomfortable.
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:Our decisions didn't feel safe for them.
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:Maybe they were too bold.
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:Maybe they were something that was
the opposite direction that was
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:acceptable for our family or our
community, or even our workplace.
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:So we all have this conditioning
and we are burned out from all
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:of our decisions and our options.
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:And when we stop trusting
ourselves, we stop making
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:aligned decisions for ourselves.
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:We do what we think we "should" do.
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:We weigh other people's opinions over
what we should do above our own instincts.
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:It's not just the marketers who know this,
it's not social media that knows this.
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:Our government also knows it too.
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:And toxic managers know this because
they know when you don't trust
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:yourself, you are more compliant.
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:You are more likely to follow along
and fit in instead of rocking the
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:boat and doing what you absolutely,
truly obsessively want to do.
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:Because if we're all compliant,
then we follow along.
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:We follow what we're being
told, we fall in line.
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:So what are some things you can
do to have less decision fatigue?
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:Set as much as you can ahead of time,
like limit the number of shirts you
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:have so that it's easy to grab and go
in the mornings so you're not spending
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:a lot of time mulling over what to
wear or pick it out the night before.
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:This is especially helpful if you have
kids who are elementary age or younger.
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:It helps you not have to make that
decision and giving them three options.
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:That is so helpful because then they
only have to pick one of the three.
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:It might give, make them take
20 minutes, but let them decide.
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:Barack Obama and Steve Jobs wore almost
the same thing every day because they
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:needed to limit the need to decide.
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:You can also make a few meals
for the week and always have the
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:same items on hand for snacking.
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:And when there are only a few options
in your fridge, you spend a lot
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:less time staring at that fridge
wondering what should you eat now?
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:Will it solve everything?
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:No.
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:Especially when you are overtaxed,
tired and your mind will say,
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:I'm not in the mood for that.
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:Which means that you order takeout then.
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:But when it comes to your week, set
three priorities for the week, with
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:tasks related to those priorities.
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:Trying to limit yourself to three
priorities a day, especially if you're
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:working on a project they may repeat, you
know, over day, days, and days and days.
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:So I want to challenge you.
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:I want to challenge you to notice where
are you feeling decision fatigue at home,
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:at work, in your life, and when are you
outsourcing your decisions to others?
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:That is so key because then that tells
you that you are not trusting yourself.
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:And if you're listening and
you're thinking, I can't
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:keep living like this, Erica.
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:I don't trust myself to
choose something differently.
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:And decisions, like I said
earlier, are everything.
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:And when you feel confident in your
decisions and you begin to trust
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:yourself more and more deeply, I.
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:You set the stronger boundaries.
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:You stop guessing yourself, you
shift the patterns saying no to what
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:drains you, and yes to what aligns.
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:And in this transformative masterclass
on January 29th, we're going to explore
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:the hidden stories and identities
that shape your decision making.
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:How guilt, fear, and the
shoulds keep you stuck.
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:Where your energy is going and what's
quietly draining it, and how your unique
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:human design really reveals your most
aligned way that you make decisions.
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:You're going to want to get a spot.
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:There is a new way to decide and it's
rooted in your own unique human design.
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:So I want to invite you to sign up.
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:You can find the link in the
show notes to sign up for the
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:masterclass on January 29th.
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:It's gonna be two amazing days, and
I look forward to seeing you there.
